Letter of Resignation

Miriam, We spoke last night about how you thought it would be best for us to stop dating and to just be friends. I was very disappointed, but I could see why you would feel the way you do. You said that you would leave the door open for the future, but that you would have to see some fairly deep changes on my part before you could even consider dating. After having some time to reflect upon the course of our relationship, I feel the same way about you. It wasn't until after running into you after lunch today that I realized that more than anything, I now feel relief about being apart. I thought that this was an odd reaction, and tried to figure out what would make me feel this way. After giving the matter some reflection, I think I finally understand. I have a hard time assigning blame to others in any sort of conflict. I try to do everything in my power to smooth things over, even at my own expense. I'm a peacemaker to my core. I can see multiple sides of any argument, and can make a case for most of them. Even the ones I disagree with. After a while though, denying myself to satisfy others ceases to be peacemaking, and becomes appeasement. Any relationship which has reached that point is a very unhealthy one. You asked many things of me during our ten weeks together. Some of them were good and right, and I thank you for that. You reminded me of some things that are important to me, things that I had almost given up on. I am happier with myself than I have been in a long time. Other things you asked that I could not in good conscience give. You asked that I give up media that I believe to teach good and right principles because they deal with subject matter that disturbs you. You asked me to ignore a good friend of mine because you were paranoid that I would leave you for her. You asked for all of my free time, and even some that was not free. You pressed me into doing things that I knew were wrong, in a misguided attempt to test me. You asked that I cater to your every fear and worry, and that I try to be super-human in my treatment of you. I tried to give you these things, even when I should have realized that they are against my best interest. A relationship has to be founded upon trust and respect, and I received very little of that from you. You have a very specific set of things you are looking for in a boyfriend. You call them "standards," and try to frame them as being matters of right and wrong. In the end though, they deal not with issues of morality, but with attempting to protect yourself from any sort of contact with certain issues that frighten you. You brook no alternative points of view. Even honest and righteous ones. Your fear of being hurt or disappointed serves only to make you more vulnerable. You said last night that every week since the third week we were dating, you've cried yourself to sleep some nights. You even said that it was over minutiae. The fear and paranoia and lack of trust which prompts such responses is unhealthy, and will only bring you more unwarranted pain in the future. I will not claim to have been perfect. I made several stupid mistakes over the course of our relationship, but I recognized them, dealt with them, and did my utmost to not make them again. I put enormous effort into treating you with the respect and love you deserve. Last night you told me a bit of what you are looking for in a relationship, and I was saddened to hear that it can be summed up as being someone who agrees with you in every way on certain topics you find painful. A person who sacrifices themself for you, without asking anything in return. I do not think that you will ever find such a person. If you were to find one, those qualities will not ever bring you true happiness. I tried to be that person for a while. I thought it would make you happy. Somehow I twisted my perceptions to see all of the faults and weakness in myself which you perceived to be there. I became very unhappy and distressed when it became apparent that no amount of change or agreement other than utter submission would suffice. I tried to ignore that I was breaking myself apart. I have seen us drifting away over the last few weeks. I redoubled my efforts to make this relationship work. But the fundamental dissonance inherent in what I attempted to achieve made the endeavor futile. Now that I am free from the impossible expectations you set, I feel at peace with myself. I have to thank you for the kindest break-up ever. I'm happy to realize that I believe we can be good friends. I still have great respect for you, and see so many admirable qualities in you. I look forward to associating with you without feeling that I need to force myself into a mould that does not fit. I feel that I come out of this relationship a better person. I am stronger, healthier, and happier. I am glad to have spent these last few months with you. I still care about you deeply, but for my own sake I can no longer be beholden to you. Miriam, I'm grateful for your friendship. I'm disappointed at breaking up; nobody ever wants to see a relationship founder. But until you conquer some of these demons that you allow to rule you, we can have nothing more than friendship. Gently, James